i had a pleasant encounter with a homeless man today while waiting for my lunch at a food cart. it's seems like many people try to ignore them and i feel that temptation myself, for various reasons, such as when i'm in a hurry or feeling stressed, but sometimes i feel a resistance to their presence, a desire to push them away, as if i couldn't bear admitting them. i've been working with noticing that feeling of revulsion and relaxing when it arises, softening toward instead of hardening against. i want to say the man i interacted with on the sidewalk was middle-aged but age can be difficult to guess with someone who is surviving on the street, enduring whatever that hell is for them. i think taking pictures as i walk around has encouraged me to be more present in my environment, alert to the possibility of arrested by something beautiful. people downtown tend to be somewhere other than where they are, whisking their bodies down the street to catch up with where they plan to be. how strange that the people we shun & call homeless are actually the one's most rooted in their environment. the interaction itself wasn't really a big deal, just some dirty, disheveled guy making his rounds, asking the people waiting at the food carts for spare change. i know what it's like to be shunned, to not be admitted. when i look through my notebooks i notice how frequently i refer to eyes & use words that describe various forms of looking. it's embarrassing to see what i so obviously crave. a friend of mine once told me that when she was a little girl her parents said that she constantly asked people, "do you believe me?" she's a very sensitive person, not unlike me, and she thinks that she sensed at an early age the incongruity between what she saw in people's eyes and what she heard & felt. that really resonated, but i think for me, what i am looking for is the person who is there within the person who is not there. i told the homeless guy, "sorry, i can't help you." and i really feel that. i don't know what the hell i can do to help these people. so i give them the one thing they can't use to poison their minds or numb their pain. i give them what i in fact long for, search for, and frequently lack. i look in their eyes when i speak to them. i feel ridiculous typing this, like wow, that's very jesus of you! and yet, he met my gaze and thanked me. i guess i gave what i didn't know i could spare.
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